This is one of the mantras we live by in We Are The They: Vulnerability is a superpower. Let me explain why.
We all walk around every day wearing a mask to protect ourselves. For some, it’s the Mask of Aggression, while others wear the Joker Mask or the Athlete Mask. Maybe it’s the Material Mask or the Know-It-All Mask. The Sexual Mask and the Alpha Mask are common too, often easily projected. At one time or another, I’ve worn pretty much every one of these masks.
When I’m uncomfortable sitting with my emotions, I make a joke to ease the tension. Or maybe I don’t want to feel lonely, so I put on the Sexual Mask or the Material Mask. If I have a nice enough boat, people will think I’m good enough. And if the boat doesn’t work, they’ll surely notice the five hot girls on board. Whatever I can do to feel okay about myself.
The problem with any of these masks is that they prevent us from being seen for who we truly are. Why are people often more sexual in behavior and dress around Halloween? Because it isn’t really them—they know they’re wearing a costume or a mask, and they won’t be judged.
But when we wear a mask, we can’t trust the love we receive. Sure, rejection doesn’t hurt as much because subconsciously, we think, "They’re just rejecting this version of me I’m showing them, so I don’t actually feel rejected." The issue is, we also can’t trust the love we’re getting. Our subconscious whispers, "If they knew who you really were, they wouldn’t love you."
At the weekend retreats I host with We Are The They, this is the most common sentiment we hear. As the men take off their masks, one by one, many of them are seen for the first time for who they really are.
This is the magic of our events. We can’t change anyone—the only thing we can do is create a safe container where the people there are inspired to change themselves. Men who’ve kept secrets their entire lives, for the first time, openly talk about horrible things that happened to them or sins they’ve committed. They share because the environment we create allows it.
Recently, I had former Heisman Trophy winner Ricky Williams on my podcast. He said something beautiful that really sums up this entire philosophy: “When you share something with another expecting judgment, and it doesn’t come, that’s when healing begins.”
One member of my fourth leadership group came to me recently, sharing a very difficult situation in his life. I could tell as he spoke that he’d probably never told anyone about it before. I just listened. I asked him how he was feeling, then listened again. I told him I loved him and asked what he planned to do. He already knew the problem, the potential outcomes, and what he needed to do.
This man was in a tough spot, with no easy way out. But being honest about it, talking to someone safe, and expressing it allowed him to begin the healing process.
I recently had a similar experience with someone very close to me. I had done something I wasn’t proud of and knew it could damage our relationship if I talked about it. But I also knew that if I didn’t, we’d never have an honest, open, and truly in integrity relationship. So, we talked. I was ready for the judgment, willing to take whatever came. But to my surprise, it didn’t come. The person was understanding and loved me when I really needed it. A weight lifted from my shoulders, and our friendship gained a new sense of freshness. It was a gift only they could give me.
I’ve had dozens of these moments with my friends—both on the giving and receiving end. Some were small things; others were much bigger. Since leaving organized religion, one of my favorite sayings has been: “I stopped caring about what others were doing and started caring about how they were doing.” This shift has made all the difference in my relationships.
This doesn’t excuse bad behavior. There are consequences for our actions, and we’re ultimately responsible for anyone we hurt or affect negatively. But I’m glad I have people around me who love me enough to call me on my mistakes, while also considering the whole person I am and why I may have acted a certain way.
This is why vulnerability is a superpower. I know that those who love me deeply do so even though I make mistakes and sometimes fall short in life. I can trust their love because it’s not contingent on me being perfect or never making mistakes.
This is the only way to plug the holes in our buckets and truly accept the love others are trying to pour into us.
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